what you fear most, is fear itself

day nine:: something i am afraid of.

"don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game."

"that suggests that what you fear the most, is fear itself."

two quotes of two of my favorite movies.

i'm afraid of failure.

i didn't know i was until April 21.

the day I tried out for BYU.

it is such a silly dream, but it consumed my life for 7 years.

i had never failed before; i always seemed to be at the "top" of everything i did.

school work, grades, gymnastics, cheerleading. everything came so easy.

when i tore my acl, i was afraid of the future; of not fulfilling my dream.

when i recovered so well, i was sure i would be fine. BYU would be like everything else in my life.

easy.

i made the first cut without a question. so i showed up saturday with nerves, but confident that i would do well.

little did i know that i failed so terribly bad...

my tryout went great, nothing went wrong, but i just wasn't what the judges were looking for i guess, i had all the requirements and some, yet they didn't want me. i guess i'm afraid of rejection now too.

when my number wasn't called, symbolizing that i had gotten cut, i was shocked. but i was okay, so i thought. i called my mom when i got outside, and the second i heard her voice, i bawled.

i realized that i hadn't only failed me, but my family as well..

i'm afraid to try again, i'm afraid of not making it, i'm afraid of going through what i have been through again. but mostly, i am afraid of failing.

i am learning that fear of failure will get me nowhere in my life, and so i am trying something else in my life; courage. i will try and try again, because i don't want to live my life in fear, i want to play the game.

"our bravest journey's are never taken alone."